Most people come to therapy because they want change of some form. They are unhappy with something in their lives - often with themselves - struggling with anxiety, depression, or unhelpful patterns of thinking.

A peculiar paradox that I often notice is that much of the suffering is not only in the pain itself, but in the battle against it. The constant effort to be different, to fix, improve, or eradicate parts of ourselves can become exhausting. For some people, it seems that half the pain comes from the struggle to change.

The Desire to Change - and the Cost of Constant Self-Correction

Of course, the desire for change makes sense. If nobody wanted things to be different, there would be no need for therapy at all. And yet, I often wonder what might happen if, instead of running from what hurts, people gently turned towards it.

An Existential View: Turning Towards Pain Rather Than Avoiding It

Existential therapy begins from the idea that pain is not a mistake or a sign that something has gone wrong, but an inevitable part of being human. Anxiety, despair, and self-doubt often arise when we come up against the realities of living - freedom, responsibility, loss, isolation, and the limits of control. From this perspective, the task is not to eliminate suffering at all costs, but to relate to it differently.

Meeting Ourselves With Curiosity and Compassion

What if, rather than hiding from the parts of ourselves we dislike or fear, we approached them with curiosity and compassion? What if, instead of fleeing our pain, we invited it to come and sit by the fire with us - listening to what it has to say without trying to banish it?

In therapy, the shift from resistance to relationship can be transformative. Pain that is met can soften in a way that it cannot when it is fought.