Unhealthy patterns in relationships are all too common.
Perhaps you’re someone who finds yourself constantly feeling jealous, anxious about what your partner is doing, or obsessively wondering how they feel about you. Maybe you crave more - more of their attention, more of their time, more reassurance, more love.
Or maybe you’re at the other end of the spectrum. You feel smothered after the initial honeymoon period wears off. You start to pull away when things get too emotionally intense. Intimacy, vulnerability, and “depending on someone” might feel threatening or uncomfortable.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These patterns often stem from an insecure attachment style, which studies show affects an estimated 40% of adults. Understanding this can be the first step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
As a counsellor in Brighton & Hove, I work with people who want to better understand the dynamics in their relationships. Whether you're struggling with feelings of insecurity or trying to make sense of why intimacy feels overwhelming, exploring your attachment style can be a helpful first step.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explores how our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we relate to others later in life - especially in romantic relationships.
These early experiences form internal “templates” or blueprints that influence how we view closeness, trust, love, and conflict. They shape how safe or unsafe we feel being emotionally connected to someone else.
There are four main attachment styles:
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Secure Attachment - You’re comfortable with closeness and independence. You trust others, and you're generally not afraid of intimacy.
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Anxious Attachment - You crave closeness but fear abandonment. You may worry about being “too much” or not enough, and often need reassurance.
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Avoidant Attachment - You value independence and often feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. You may struggle to open up or feel overwhelmed when someone depends on you.
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Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment - You may want closeness but also fear it, leading to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. This style is often linked to unresolved trauma.
How Attachment Shows Up in Relationships
Although insecure attachment styles show up in relationships in many different ways, there are some common tell-tale signs, such as:
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Overthinking: Constantly checking your partner’s texts, replaying conversations, or worrying they're losing interest. This might stem from anxious attachment.
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Distancing: Pulling away when things start to get serious. You may find yourself trying to keep things light and may feel “trapped” by emotional demands. A classic sign of avoidant attachment.
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Pursuing-Withdrawing Dynamic: One part of you chases, the other retreats. It may feel like a constant battle of pushing for closeness, then pulling away. This cycle often points to a mix of anxious and avoidant patterns.
Recognising these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them.
Where Does Attachment Style Come From?
Insecure attachment usually begins in childhood. If a caregiver was inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or neglectful, a child may learn that closeness isn’t safe, or that love is conditional.
In adulthood, we carry those lessons, often without realising it. We replay the dynamics we knew, even if they’re painful, simply because they’re familiar.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Absolutely. While attachment patterns can run deep, they are not set in stone.
Awareness is the first step. Recognising your patterns is important and powerful - it puts you in a position to make new choices.
From there, healing insecure attachment can involve:
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Therapy, especially modalities like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Internal Family Systems (IFS)
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Journaling and self-reflection
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Practicing secure behaviours, like open communication, setting boundaries, or tolerating discomfort in closeness
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Building relationships with securely attached people
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Re-parenting yourself - learning to give yourself the safety and care you may have missed early on
If you see yourself in these patterns, be gentle with yourself. Attachment wounds are not a sign of weakness - they’re a reflection of unmet needs. Healing is a journey, and every step toward self-awareness is a win.
Relationships are where we are often most wounded, but also they are where we have the greatest potential to heal.
How Therapy in Brighton & Hove Can Help
If you recognise yourself in any of these patterns, therapy can help. It offers a safe, supportive space to explore your attachment style, understand its origins, and work on changing unhealthy patterns in your relationships.
As a counsellor in Brighton & Hove, I offer a welcoming, non-judgmental environment where you can explore your attachment history and learn to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re struggling with anxious attachment, feeling emotionally distant, or unsure how to connect with others, therapy can guide you toward a more secure way of relating.
I offer in-person therapy in Brighton and online sessions for those outside the area or who prefer virtual support.
If you'd like to explore your attachment style further, Psychology Today offers a free, easy-to-complete quiz that can give you a helpful starting point.