Shame is something most of us experience, but it can be surprisingly difficult to put into words. We might know that we feel uncomfortable, exposed or want to withdraw, without necessarily recognising what we are feeling as shame.
There is a useful distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is usually connected to something we have done - I've done something bad. Shame is more likely to be experienced as there is something bad or wrong with me.
When shame becomes more deeply rooted, it can affect the way we see ourselves. We may become very self-critical, compare ourselves unfavourably with other people, or assume that others will judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves.
For some people there can be a sense of having to keep certain parts of themselves hidden.
How does shame develop?
Shame doesn't come from one particular kind of experience.
Our understanding of ourselves develops through our relationships with other people, particularly our early relationships. We learn, often without being consciously aware of it, which parts of ourselves seem to be accepted and which don't.
If our feelings or needs are repeatedly dismissed, criticised or misunderstood, we can begin to adapt. We might learn not to show sadness, for example, or that anger isn't acceptable. We may learn that asking for help is weak, that we shouldn't make mistakes, or that we need to behave in a certain way to be accepted.
Sometimes this happens in response to very obvious experiences of rejection, humiliation or trauma. At other times it is much more subtle.
Our families aren't the only influence either. School, friendships, relationships, religion, culture and wider social expectations can all contribute to ideas about who we think we ought to be.
Over time, something that began in relationship with other people can become part of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Wanting to hide
One of the things I find particularly interesting about shame is the way it can leave us wanting to hide while also wanting to be understood.
We might desperately want to tell somebody what is happening, but at the same time fear what they will think of us if we do.
This can be quite isolating.
We might avoid people or situations, become defensive, turn our anger towards ourselves or become very good at keeping busy and not thinking about how we feel. Some people find themselves explaining and analysing everything rather than allowing themselves to experience what is happening emotionally.
These aren't necessarily conscious choices. They can be ways we have found to protect ourselves from feeling exposed.
Shame in counselling
Shame can understandably come into the counselling relationship too.
Talking honestly to another person about ourselves can feel exposing, particularly if we are talking about something we have spent a long time keeping private.
There may be things we want to say but find ourselves avoiding. We might worry that the counsellor will judge us, think badly of us or see us differently once they know.
For me, this is where the relationship in counselling becomes important.
I don't think it is helpful to force someone to talk about something before they are ready, or to immediately interpret what they are experiencing. Sometimes what is needed is time to build enough trust for the things that feel difficult or shameful to gradually become speakable.
That might mean noticing together when you want to retreat from something, or becoming curious about why a particular feeling is so difficult to show. It might also mean simply being able to say something you have never said before and discovering what it is like to have another person hear it without judging you.
Does shame go away?
I'm not sure that getting rid of shame altogether is a particularly helpful aim. Shame is a normal human emotion and, at times, serves a purpose.
The difficulty is when it becomes such a familiar way of experiencing ourselves that it begins to shape who we believe we are.
Counselling can give us an opportunity to look at some of those beliefs rather than automatically accepting them as facts.
Where did I learn this about myself?
Is this actually what I believe, or is it something I have carried with me from somewhere else?
Why does this particular part of me feel so unacceptable?
What am I afraid might happen if somebody else sees it?
There may not be straightforward answers to those questions. Often there aren't.
But being able to explore them with somebody else, without having to arrive at the right answer or present a more acceptable version of ourselves, can begin to change the way we relate to shame.
Perhaps we don't need to become completely free of it. It may be enough for shame to become something we can notice, understand and talk about, rather than something that quietly decides what we are allowed to show of ourselves.
In my counselling practice in Brighton & Hove, I offer a confidential space where experiences such as shame can be explored at your own pace, without judgement or pressure to talk about something before you feel ready.